Adoption

Domestic adoption has really changed in the last 30 years. Birth parents play an active role in choosing adoptive couples. Open adoption is more common. Here are some questions that I have received from friends and family concerning our adoption and some of my responses.
1. Did Emily’s birth mom choose you? What is she like? Emily’s birth parents were high school sweethearts. They are LDS, local, and come from active LDS families. They are both tall and athletic and value education. When her pregnancy was discovered, and their options reviewed, both felt adoption was the best choice for their baby. Emily’s birth mom prayfully looked at adoptive couples’ profiles and liked ours. She began emailing us with some of her questions and we got to know her very well. She informed us of her decision to place her baby with us by having our case worker give us a letter and a blanket she made for Emily. We got to meet her a couple of days later and met her parents a week or two after that. We fell in love with them all. Because we had built a relationship with her, she invited us to be part of Emily’s birth. We got to be with her through labor and hold Emily minutes after she was born. What a blessing that was. Two days after Emily’s birth, Emily's birth mom, her parents, and Emily's birth dad, with his parents met with Ryan, me, and our case worker. We exchanged gifts, talked about our feelings and our love for Emily and each other. Then her birth mom placed Emily in my arms. Words cannot express the feelings of that tender moment.
2. What language should I use in talking about Emily’s adoption? Some people ask about Emily’s “real” parents. We believe we are Emily’s real parents, so we call her birth parents “birth mom” or “birth dad”, although because we know their names, I think it is nicer to just use their names. Also, when referring to our daughter’s adoption, we say “our daughter was adopted.” She is always our daughter first, and the adoption is only part of who she is. We don’t call her our “adopted daughter”. When referring to her birth mother's decision, we say she "placed her baby for adoption". Saying that someone "gave up" her baby sounds like the baby was rejected, which is not the case. Birth mothers lovingly make adoption plans for their babies and place them in loving homes. On the other hand, we say a mother chose to "parent" her baby, not "keep" her baby. Babies are not possessions to keep or give up.
3. Do you have an open adoption? What does that mean? During the first year, we agreed to writing and sending photos to Emily’s birth parents. It started with weekly updates, then bi-weekly, then monthly up to one year. This is fairly standard now with LDS Family Services. Emily’s birth mom and her family have also shown interest in visiting Emily on occasion, and have been to our home several times. We have also visited their home. This has been fun and natural for us. She is busy now with college and work, and we don’t hear from her as much, but I am sure we will continue to have some contact with her through the years. I am glad for Emily that this is the case. She will get to ask her birth mom all the questions she has, and have a full understanding about where she came from. Emily’s birth dad has also been very supportive. He and his family are available for any questions we have, and any Emily will have in the future.
4. Are you afraid Emily’s birth mom will change her mind? In Utah, a birth mom relinquishes her rights at placement of her baby. Although it takes 6 months before the adoption can be finalized, birth parents are not involved in that process. When the baby is placed for adoption, the agency becomes the legal guardian of the child until finalization. The agency then conducts home visits and interviews to make sure the baby is healthy, and the family is happy. If there are no issues, then finalization usually occurs 6 months later without incident.
5. How long did it take to get Emily? How much did it cost? It took us several months to complete our paperwork for our first adoption. Couples must answer pages of questions, have background checks, get five letters of recommendation, have medical check-ups, a home visit, education classes, and write profiles. It is a big project. We were approved at the end of January and Emily was born in October. LDS Family Services now says that the average wait time is between 6-24 months. Although some couples wait only a couple of weeks, some couples will wait many years. This happens because birth mothers usually choose adoptive families for their babies. The wait time discrepancy may seem unfair, but I believe having the birth mother choose her child’s parents is best for everyone. The process of choosing parents is very spiritual and tender for both parties. LDS Family Services fees range from $4,000 to $10,000 based on 10 percent of adoptive couple’s combined gross annual income as reported on the couple's previous year’s tax return. Only temple-worthy couples may apply. The fee is highly subsidized by the church, which explains why it is so different from most agencies.
6. Will you adopt again? Is it harder the second time? LDS Family Services requires a one year wait between adoptions. Because Emily turns one in a few weeks, we are working on our paper work now, but it may take several months before we become approved. The wait time may be longer for #2, but may be quicker. There is no predicting what will attract a birth mother. Some women look for education, some look for large families, and some want their baby to have a sibling close in age. We will just have to start the wait and see. Couples who are open to all situations generally don’t wait as long as those who are more specific in their requests. Couples are asked many questions about their preferences for age, race, gender, and special needs. These preferences determine which birth mothers their profile may be presented to. To view waiting couples, you may visit this site. You will notice there are many great families available and waiting. Because of this, and for other reasons, some families choose to use other agencies, or go international. Those are also good options, but can be more expensive and involved. The main objective, however, is following the Spirit to find the son or daughter meant for us, wherever he or she is. For now, we feel comfortable starting with LDS Family Services again.